Need to get a jobby job
Jmac tagged me to list my five dream jobs. I will now attempt to list the five jobs that I would most like to have in no particular order.
1. The easiest one to think of: clinical psychologist. I would like to be able to have my own practice in which I perform assessments (i.e., disability, neuro, and forensic/competency) and see clients for therapy. This is within reach, but I would also like to supplement this career with teaching some courses at a university or smaller college without having to do research or write grants for the school. I could also see some balance between a medical setting like a VA or hospital and my own practice.
2. Host of a travel program on TV. Bly and I would travel the globe to different countries and cities where we would visit the swanky hotels and restaurants, play golf at the nicest courses, get massages from the coolest spas, and see the sights. The companies would cater to us and we would get paid for it. How cool would that be?
3. Writer or artist. I love to write short stories, poetry, whatever. It would be very fun to be a successful author of novels, I think. In actuality, I could never do this job because after a few pages of any one story I get very bored with it. I also procrastinate way too much to stick to constant deadlines. The reality wouldn’t be fun, but I like the idea of people reading what I write and waiting for my next work to come out. I’ll ignore the reality for the sake of this list. The artist would have to be very dream-job oriented because I would want my art to be appreciated while I’m still alive. Drawings, paintings, designs for companies – whatever. I’d love to see what I create be appreciated.
4. UFC/MMA champion. Again, never going to happen, but I would enjoy being a skilled fighter. I would have a super cool nickname and super cool logos on my t-shirts and such. I would be a well rounded fighter who can win with strikes or submissions. Dangerous standing and on the ground on my back or in someone’s guard. I’ll go ahead and put the other sports related dream job in this entry: professional skateboarder. I used to dream of being a pro when I skated years ago and now you can make a very good living doing it. It would be awesome to compete and design your own gear.
5. Lead singer of a band. I have no idea what type of band I would want to front, but it would be great to create and play music. I would, of course, need to be able to sing and I would want to play guitar, so I have a long way to go if this one is going to work. I think I’d want to be more acoustic/indie oriented than big, flashy rock. Or maybe a band like the Deftones.
6. Because my first entry is pretty close to what I’ll probably end up doing, I’m adding a sixth job. I would like to be some sort of scientist or researcher who eventually shifts the paradigm in whatever field I was in. Nobel prize winner. Hero to geeky types everywhere.
Most of my entries are artistic or creativity focused. I think that’s because most of my life has been spent focused on school and learning, so I dream of being creative more than in hobbies. Maybe I could be a clinical psychologist for most of the year, but cage fight in my spare time. Or maybe I can get better at writing while still practicing psychology. Who knows. It is nice to know that what I’ll end up doing is pretty close to at least one of my dream jobs.
Labels: job, memes
Time told by ticket stubs
I have saved pretty much all of my ticket stubs since I've been here -- I think I have them all. The following is a list of the shows, museums, and movies I've been to since last July. In order from most recent backwards:
Alpha Dog -- 1/20/07
Children Of Men -- 1/15/07
Adler Planetarium & Astronomy Museum (Space in Your Face & The Other Side of Infinity: Blackholes) -- 1/14/07
Rocky Balboa -- 1/6/07
Apocalypto -- 12/9/06
The Deftones -- 12/8/06
Casino Royale -- 12/2/06
Harsh Times & Babel -- 11/11/06
Stranger Than Fiction -- 11/10/06
Borat -- 11/4/06
The Prestige -- 10/21/06
The Field Museum (with King Tut Exhibit) -- 10/15/06
The Windy City Rollers (Rollerderby) -- 10/8/06
Jackass 2 -- 9/30/06
The Last Kiss -- 9/16/06
Crank -- 9/9/06
Snakes on a Plane -- 8/26/06
Little Miss Sunshine -- 8/19/06
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby -- 8/6/06
So, that's most of what I've done while I've been here. I saw the Gourds, too, but I bought my ticket online and they just had my name at the door. I may have missed one or two things, but that's most of them. I know Bly and I went to Brookfield Zoo early on, too. I'm planning on continuing saving stubs, so at the end of this I can review the year via tickets.
Labels: Chicago, movies, music
Venting
I know all I do is complain these days, but it helps me to journal about my thoughts and feelings and this is the easiest way to do that (writing by hand hurts and is too slow). I apologize for all the whining and probably boring posts lately. That said, I will do more of it even though I probably shouldn't because it may make me feel worse in the short term to think about this stuff.
I wake up in the morning with a doom feeling that I have to forcefully shake or it will discolor my day and make me very negative and sad. It's weird to wake up sad and feeling bad for several mornings in a row. Once I get to work and get busy I am ok, but I have times during the day when it's like flashes of stress and hating things here hit me all at once for brief periods. At night I'm mostly ok and happy to just sit watching TV or distracting myself with Borders or some other store for a while. Like tonight, I am taping The Office and such and I will be going to a Oak Park Cycle Club movie night -- we're watching Pee Wee's Big Adventure (about his bike, get it?). I am looking forward to this because it's something to do, not really something I
want to do, but this past year has been filled with "something to do is better than nothing to do." Not really much I've wanted to do, though -- aside from the infrequent experiences I have up here like movies I'm looking forward to or music shows I want to see. It's hard to live an extended amount of time just getting by with things to fill the time instead of being truly happy or excited about anything other than when I get to see Bly or family.
It's hard to put into words. It's hard to explain. I know my sadness is objectively irrational. I'm doing the same things I would be doing in Athens -- work, watching TV at night, hanging out and wasting time on the weekends -- but it feels so much different. Objectively, I do more here than I normally do at home, but I guess that just highlights the importance of context and subjective feelings. I miss home, I miss Bly, I miss having friends available to see face to face, so the things I usually do, and the extras I do here, don't make me feel better. It's hard to feel on the verge of tears every morning because you realize that you have to face another day and fight your way through it just so you can say, "One day closer to my next visit home." That's pretty much how I wake up now -- I have to force myself not to ruminate on how much I don't want to get up and how much I don't want to be here from the moment I open my eyes. I know that will get better soon, but I'm tired of it. I'm so ready to be done.
Nothing I'm going through is objectively bad -- work is ok, I like my housemates, I like my supervisors, there is good TV on, I'm healthy, I can talk to Bly pretty much any time I want, etc. -- but it feels so horrible. It's really weird to rationally know something, but feel something so different. It really gives me perspective on what some of my patients are going through. However, a lot of them don't do the things that will make some of the pain and depression lift or at least make it tolerable.
I'm truly lucky that I know every month or so I get a respite from the pain and in five and a half months this particular pain will be over. Twenty seven days (the time until my next trip home) doesn't seem a long time, but it feels like forever right now. It feels impossible, but I know it's not. Four weekends doesn't seem that long, but it's forever. I think a lot of what I'm experiencing and have experienced is the feeling that I'm alone -- that no one is up here to support me. For example, if I absolutely needed to call someone in Athens, if I really needed to be near someone, to be in someone's presence physically, I can call several people; here, I can't do that. There is almost no one I could call if I wanted to just go to someone's house to watch TV with them. I feel so alone at times. Voices over the phone just aren't the same.
Has anyone else ever known what it's like to fight your way through each day for an extended period of time? To work all the time at not letting yourself ruminate on your sadness? To live day to day only for distraction and feel true happiness only once a month for a few days at a time, or for fleeting moments within the throes of your daily grind? To feel guilty for feeling sad all the time when you think you shouldn't?
I know a lot of this has to do with my personality. I know most everyone reading this would likely be doing much better than I am. I think I'm doing very well given that this has been one of the hardest things I've had to do -- moving away from everything I've ever known for a year terrified me, but I did it and I'm getting through it, sad or not. I sometimes wish I was stronger, that I wasn't affected by this like I am. I have to remember to tell myself that it's ok for me to feel this way. I fall into the trap of telling myself that I
shouldn't be so sad about these things because I'm a 28 year old man. I tell myself that adult men should be able to handle these things much better than I do -- that they shouldn't get sad about this stuff and they should be fine and dandy being alone. I don't know if that's true or not, but whatever picture I had in my head of being an adult doesn't match how I feel. Sometimes I feel like a helpless kid. Sometimes I don't feel grown up at all. Usually that's a good thing; feeling younger than you are. Now though, I feel like an adult should be so strong and able to cope, so nonplussed by things, and I don't match that at all.
Tuesday night at Bible study we looked at Psalms in which David describes his fear and grief. About how he cried out and wept. About how a man who was a warrior, ruthless and cunning, a mercenary, a King cried out to God in sadness and with tears. It made me feel ok for a bit. It made me feel like it's ok to cry out in sadness and pain. We also read some of Hebrews in which we are reminded that God causes up pain and distress as a way to teach us, to admonish us, to punish us for deeds we've done, and to let us know that he is our Father who loves us. Much like parents punish their children because they love them enough to want to correct them, we are corrected by God and suffering is a reminder that He does care about us and love us. Even though that means I must suffer, it was nice to be reminded that I suffer for a reason -- to learn, to be stronger, to be corrected. It's like the reason for me being here is finally apparent and even though I forget it over and over again and wallow in despair and sadness, it's nice to remember that ultimately it's good for me and serves a purpose.
Labels: Bible, Chicago, redemption, sad
Where I be?
I haven't been posting or reading blogs in a little over a week! That's quite a lengthy break for me considering that before Christmas I was checking the blogs in my sidebar at least three times a day (usually more, usually compulsively). Now, however, I have no time to check them during the day and I haven't been online at home in a long while, either. I barely keep up with email now. I'm super busy at work at the moment, mostly just running from place to place -- I work in one extreme end of the hospital and I have a 15 minute walk to the building where we have meetings and such. So, I'm running back and forth a lot lately. We're also doing (did) intern applicant interviews last week, this week, and next week so my afternoons are booked quite tightly. After next week the interviews will be over, so I should have some more free time, I think. I don't necessarily want much free time, but an hour each day to catch my breath and check email and blogs would be nice. I just don't feel like being online once I'm at home. I'm thinking I might take the laptop to Borders on the weekend -- might be nice to catch up and write somewhere other than home.
So, that's where I've been and what I've been busy with. Just in case you wondered, I still hate it here and want to be home. :) It was nine degrees this morning when I left for work -- not counting wind chill. It's the frickin' tundra up here. Seriously, I'm actually doing ok.
Labels: absence, busy, update
Quick Question
Has anyone reading this ever used allofmp3.com to buy music? If so, is it worth the payment rig-a-ma-role? Good quality? Easy enough to use? Any advice will be appreciated.
It sounds great in theory, but paying might be tricky.
Labels: music, random
I heard tings
1. Every guy reading this should put down his old shaving cream or gel and get some brand of shaving cream in a jar, such as
American Crew or
Zirh. Then, get a badger hair or boar hair brush to lather your face with the shaving cream. AWESOME! I wish I had switched to this long ago. I will soon look into getting a real razor
like this one.2. I am two days into my new rotations -- I've only been on the Residential Care Facility thus far this week, which is like a nursing home for spinal cord injured patients. It's been ok so far. No patient work yet, but I've been pleasantly busy. I think it will be quite different from what I've done so far, but that's good. I'm hoping the amount of stuff I have to do stays about the same as it is now -- not a lot of down time, but nothing super stressful, either.
3. This week is the first week that I have less to go than I have done already.
4. I made a mistake by thinking I was "almost halfway done" back at the end of October! Stupid, I know. I just told myself that Nov and Dec would fly past, and they did, but when I got here after Christmas vacation, I had to face it that only then was I truly half done. Lesson learned -- count down days, but don't count them before they pass.
5.
Rocky Balboa was a fantastic end to the Rocky franchise. I thought it would be super cheesy and horrible, but it wasn't really overdone and the end was good. There were some good motivational moments for me, too, when Rock talked to his son about life and the need to keep fighting and moving forward. I know, I'm goofy.
6. Is anyone else excited about "The (White) Rapper Show" on Vh1?! How about "Shooting Sizemore?" Vh1 has some brilliant programmers. Seriously. Danny Bonnaduche, Best Week Ever, Tom Sizemore, White Rappers, Flavor of Love, I Love New York -- that's dang good TV. Dang good.
7. Bly arrives in two days! How cool is that? We plan on going to the Museum of Science and Industry this time around. It's nice to be able to see her once a month and it's nice that the first month's visit of the last half of my time here is so soon after Christmas. Sort of a gradual readjustment to being here again instead of Christmas then 30 days of no Bly. It might snow while she's here. FUN!
That's all for now.
Labels: Chicago, movies, random, update, work
Better, but not good
Just an update after my long, complainy post. I'm doing better now. Not great, not even good, but better than I was. Those first two days were excruciating -- nothing seemed ok, nothing seemed possible, I was ruminating on how awful everything is and predicting that I wouldn't be able to make it for the next six months. Or at least knowing that I *can* make it, but not feeling like I can. Sort of a battle between intellectual and emotional minds.
Yesterday was the first day that I can say went well. At night, I'm mostly fine watching TV and sitting with my housemates, but during the day at work I have been horribly bored and feeling stir crazy. I need to keep busy during these times so I can distract myself from my ruminations. Yesterday was busy enough and I didn't really get blue at work at all except for in the morning. By the afternoon I was ok. Today has been ok so far; I had a morning group and a staff meeting and I finished a report. Lunch is at noon and the afternoon will be filled with me cleaning out my office in preparation for my move on to new rotations next week. I also have a few paperwork type things to do. I'm going to do that stuff and as soon as I'm done I'm going home. I usually try to sit around even when I have nothing to do, but I'm done doing that. I can't take it right now. Sitting alone in this office is killing me. Soon, it won't be bad, but right now it's awful because I'm already not wanting to be here in general.
I know things will get better and that my routine will soon work again like it used to. I'm looking forward to Bly being here next week! Once she's gone again, I'll be sad all over, but I think I'll bounce back quickly. Really, only two and a half days were awful this time and that's not too bad compared to the beginning of this internship when I was feeling this way for most of the first month.
I have many visits to home planned, I'll be starting new rotations that will at least be different than what I've been doing for the last six months, I can use what I teach to get through the really bad times (cognitive restructuring, relaxation, behavioral activation), I will force myself to get out and do things even though right now nothing sounds appealing and nothing sounds fun (and isn't), and I'll get back into my work out routine. I'll start going to Church again and maybe even go back to the Tuesday night meetings. I'm also planning on buying some blocks of carving wood at a craft store so I can whittle. By March or April, I'll be able to ride my bike again after work.
I have to force myself to do these things right now because all I feel like doing is moping around and being sad. Once you force yourself to act and engage you begin to see the benefits of doing it. Not right away, but soon after starting to do things you'll notice that you actually start to look forward to them again. For example, before Christmas break I looked forward to going to the movies each Saturday and walking around Oak Park or a local mall. Now, when I think about doing that it doesn't sound fun at all and makes me sort of sad that I have to do it by myself. If I force myself to do it, soon it will be ok again.
Tonight the other interns and I are going to a restaurant for drinks and dinner. Again, it's something that doesn't sound fun to me, but it's better than being alone and I know that I'll enjoy the time together. It's so weird how the things that will make a person feel better are the last things a person wants to do when depressed. Which creates that cycle of depression -- I'm sad, I don't want to do anything which makes me sadder, I don't do anything so I get sadder, on and on it goes. I know this so I can easily combat the cycle. I knew this before I lived it based on the research and the treatment for depression, but now I know it because I've lived it for the last six months. I haven't been depressed but it's only because I used what I know to lift myself out of that initial bad month and keep myself going for the first six months. Now, I have to start the process over again after being home.
So, while I'm not great or even good, I'm doing better and will continue to do so. I know soon I'll be chugging along and time will start flying by again. I won't ever want to be here or be able to say I have real, true fun for any length of time, but I'll maintain and get through and the pay off will be great. I discovered that if I think about how happy I'll be when this is all over, when I meet Bly at the airport that final time so we can pack up my stuff and begin the drive back to Athens (without focusing on how far away that is), I get happy in the present, too. For now, that's the picture I carry around in my mind.
Labels: Chicago, redemption, sad
Six Months
The Christmas break was really great. It was nice to be back home with loved ones, family, and friends. Bly and I went to her Uncle's house in Washington, GA to be with her family on Saturday the 23rd. Then, we drove to Augusta Sunday evening and stayed until Wednesday morning. The rest of my break was spent in Athens. I immediately felt like I was back home for good and it was very difficult to come back to Chicago. I shouldn't say "was very difficult..."
It still is very difficult. Yesterday at work was torture. I was very upset all day and I didn't have very much to do, which made it even worse. I made it through and last night was ok. The mornings and days are the hardest right now. Last night I distracted myself by taking a 30 minute nap and then heading off to Church (a young adult 20s/30s group usually meets on Tues nights), but the group was not meeting. So, I went to Borders instead and read magazines and looked around for about 45 minutes. Then I went home, ate dinner, and watched TV with my housemate. We are both pretty sick of being here and relatively depressed so we had a pity party. He has 3 years left in his psychiatric residency program and he hates being here like I do -- so at least I only have six months left.
I can't believe it's been six months and I have the same amount of time left. It seems like I shouldn't have as much in front of me as I do behind me. It will go fast, I know that. I'm switching rotations next week and I'll be on the two new ones for three months and then I switch again, so that will make it seem like time is passing faster. Bly and I have already planned visits and I'll take more time off to come home this last half. She's coming here next week on the 11th, so that's good. It's nice to only have to wait a little over a week to see her again instead of a whole month. I feel very similar to how I did at the beginning, but I know what to do and I know it will pass quickly. I just need a few days to mourn the loss of being home and being with Bly -- that's what it feels like, mourning. I'm not really depressed, but I always have some trouble adjusting to coming back after a visit. It doesn't help that it gets dark at 4:30pm, either.
I DO NOT want to be here, I DO NOT want to do this for another six months! I just want to be home and now that my first goal of getting to Christmas has passed, it feels like I'm starting all over again (even though I'm not). All the little things that bother me all the time seem much worse and much harder to deal with right now. And all the things that I usually don't worry about much or don't think about all come crashing down on me when I feel like this; when I just come back from a break. An example: I usually don't really mind not having any friends up here. I go about my business on the weekends and after work and I'm fine. I see people during the day and at night at the house, usually. But I don't have any real friends that I would call just to see what's up or to go grab some dinner or watch a video and it usually doesn't bother me too much. But right now, because I'm already upset about having to be back, it bothers me a lot and makes everything 100x worse. Or that's how it feels. So, I have to remind myself that doing things alone is ok and makes me feel better even though it reminds me that I don't have any friends up here. And even though in my mind nothing sounds fun or worth doing, like working out or going to a movie.
One time I was talking about all this with Bly. We were discussing how I feel like there is a normal Russ and a "Chicago Russ" and I don't like Chicago Russ. She said that when I'm home I'm usually at a 6 or 7 and I get up to 10 sometimes and sometimes, but rarely I go below a five when I'm sad or whatever (on a scale of mood, say). In Chicago, I'm at a 5 pretty much all the time and I dip down to 3 and 4 occasionally, but I never really get above a five. That explains all this in as clear a way as possible. I'm only just "ok" here. I'm never really what could be called happy and I get really sad from time to time. I feel like I'm dealing with things pretty well, but I'm getting tired of "dealing with things." I don't want to have to deal with things constantly like I do here. I want to be able to not work at feeling just "ok." It's tiring and taxing and frustrating.
I know this feeling will pass like it always does, but right now I'm only on day two of being back. It usually takes a few days for me to get back into my routine. It was a good sign that last night was ok. This morning I felt bad again, but I know by the end of the day I'll be ok again. The bad times will get less and less and then I'll get back into the routine and days will pass quickly. It's a little hard to focus on stuff right now, so even though today will be busier than yesterday (a very good thing) it will be hard to get my notes done and finish my work. But, I'll get it done at some point, maybe tomorrow. I know rationally that six months isn't long, and the periods between my visits aren't long at all (30 days, 23 days, 23 days, 37 days, 23 days, then I'm done), but subjectively it feels like an eternity.
More later maybe. Right now I have to go try to make other people feel better.
Labels: Chicago, sad
