Sucking all around...
And not the good kind, either. I got some really bad news today -- nothing worth going into on here. Nothing major or life changing, either. Just an obstacle related to academics. Anyway, everything is worked out for the most part, and I wanted to post something to cheer myself up when I look at my blog, so here it is:
For some reason, this makes me think of dinosaurs
Mocking Sylvia Browne always makes me happy
These are especially funny if you are, or have ever been, a therapist.
So that's that. I'm laughing and you should be, too.
"Hunters"
This whole
"Cheney shot a dude in the face" news has made me think not about politics or gun laws or safety but about hunting.
I am not against hunting at all -- my family is full of hunters and the only real reasons I don't participate are that I find the idea boring and I don't really need or want to kill something. It would make me cry, probably. I'd rather shoot at inanimate targets. As far as the communing with nature aspect, I'll just go sit by a waterfall or in a tree somewhere without a gun.
While I don't personally wish to hunt, I don't think it's necessarily a cruel or evil sport. I'd prefer people actually eat or use what they kill, rather than trophy hunt, but to each his own I guess. So, on a sliding scale from "ok" to "F--- those bitches that do that":
1. Hunting for food with a firearm (yeah, no one really *needs* to do this, but I don't think it's outright evil)
2. Bow hunting for food (too much room for error and unecessary harm to the animal, but still ok)
3. Trophy hunting
4. Flying to another country to kill some specific big game animal
5. And, drumroll, the "F--- those bitches that do that" category: Canned hunting
Canned hunting is a vile practice. People pay ranches or farms a fee for animals they kill. Usually if you don't kill, you don't pay.
So, how do these operations ensure that they make a profit? By filling their fenced in ranches with housepets. Animals raised in captivity and then released in the "wild" so that people can "track" them and kill them. This is complete bullcrap and anyone who does this and thinks they are a hunter is deluded. It's one thing to make sure your land has clover on it to attract deer, which may or may not show up, it's quite another to fence in an area, populate with animals of questionable ability to live in the wild, and force them to
feed from designated areas where you have placed blinds and tree stands. Yep, these ranches set up specific areas where their animals are fed, the only sources of food for these animals, and let paying customers sit there, sometimes in airconditioned comfort, and blast away. It's quite another thing to free an animal from a cage 30 seconds before it's shot or to separate a lioness from her cubs and attract her with meat before killing her. There are
videos of
some of the more offensive canned hunting experiences.
To make matters worse, our nation's
zoos sometimes sell their animals to these operations or animals dealers who do business with them. The ranches have to get their big game from somewhere!
And lest you think it's only extremist, loony, or violent PETA or A.L.F. (Animal Liberation Front) people who oppose this, other hunters see the damage canned hunting does to their sport and the Humane Society, hardly an extremist reactionary group, opposes this practice, too.
For more information visit
The Humane Society of the United States and search for "canned hunt." You'll get over 100 results.
The blind man with hairy palms...
I've been listening to Billboard's Top 100 from each year of the 80s (i.e., 1000 songs from the 80s!) and I stumbled upon the Cyndi Lauper's "
She Bop", which got me thinking about all the songs about masturbation* I could think of. Not a lot. So, I did some sleuthing and here are the results -- a list of some songs about self-love. Some of these are debatable, but most are at least recognized as on-topic by enough people to be included.
1. The Who -- Pictures of Lily: Nice when your dad buys you posters to help you "sleep." The boy's fantasy turns to slight obsession.
2. Cyndi Lauper -- She Bop: Classic. The whole song is dedicated to the topic. Great lyrics abound.
3. The Vapors -- Turning Japanese: Dave Fenton has endorsed and denied that it's about masturbation, saying it's about love, alienation, and masturbation at different times.
4. Billy Idol -- Dancing with Myself: Billy Idol has figured out a way to preserve himself like Dick Clark. It's spooky.
5. The Violent Femmes -- Blister in the Sun: This one is debatable. "I stain my sheets" is probably why it's considered on topic by some.
6. Radiohead -- Been Thinking About You
7. Clarence Carter -- Strokin'
8. Billy Squire -- The Stroke: Seems to be about either masturbation or glad-handing someone in a business situation.
9. Prince -- Darling Nikki: Prince won't sing this song anymore. And he goes door to door Witnessing now, in his Limo.
10. Elvis Costello -- Mystery Dance: Sex and masturbation, perhaps?
11. Devo -- Praying Hands & Whip It: The first juxtaposes the act with praying and "Whip It" is somewhat debatable. But Devo is one of the greatest bands ever.
12. Tori Amos -- Icicle: Like "Praying Hands", this one places the act within the context of religion. I can't decide if only one verse is about masturbation and the other verse that could be is about masturbation or molestation. Tori Amos is a weird one.
13. Frankie Goes to Hollywood -- Relax: Ross wearing the too-tight "Frankie say RELAX!" shirt was one of the best moments of Friends ever.
14. Fleetwood Mac -- Rattlesnake Shake
15. The Divinyls -- I Touch Myself: 'nuff said.
There are many more out there, but these are at least pretty clear. A lot of songs mention masturbation in a line or two, but these are either song-long odes to the act or have a substantial proportion of lyrics on topic.
*I'm ambidextrous!
Wrapped up like a douche
Here are some lyrics. They fit into some random categories such as witty, funny, inspired, devastating, and generally awesome. Some won't make much sense out of context of the greater story behind the song (like Stomp by Young Buck), but here they are.
Bloodhound Gang f/ Rob Van Winkle, Boom:
You're sweatin' like a watermelon at a Baptist barbecue / Sneakin' up like celery, yeah I'm stalkin'Jay-Z, Takeover:
So yeah I sampled your voice, you was usin' it wrong / You made it a hot line, I made it a hot songYoung Buck f/ T.I. & Ludacris, Stomp:
My Deals Never Get Screwed, My Contracts Practice Abstinence. . .So, Pimpin' Be Easy, Quit Catchin' Feelings / Cuz You Worth A Couple Hundred Grand, And I'm Worth Millions / Nobodys Thinkin' About You, Plus Your Beef Ain't Legit / So Please Stay Off The T.I.P. Of My DickJay-Z, Takeover:
And all you other cats throwin shots at Jigga / You only get half a bar - f**k y'all niggazM.O.P., Ante Up:
Them thugs you know, ain’t friendly / Them jewels you rock, make ’em envycLOUDDEAD, Dead Dogs Two:
They rose up, rose up when whistled at / Their rib cage inflating / Like men on the beach being photographedMatisyahu, King Without A Crown:
I want to be close to you, yes I'm so hungry / You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty / Without you there's no me / You're the air that I breathe. . .If you're trying to stay high then you're bound to stay low / You want G-d but you can't deflate your egoDeftones, Hexagram:
And the crowd goes wild! / And the camera makes you seasick! / God it's so sweet of you and I know you're proud / And the car bomb hits quick click, faint smile!Postal Service, Such Great Heights:
And I have to speculate that God himself / Did make us into corresponding shapes like / Puzzle pieces from the clayPoe f/ Mark Z. Danielewski, Hey Pretty (drive-by mix):
I can't remember the inane things I started babbling about then, I know it didn't really matter, she wasn't listening / She just yanked up on the emergency brake, dropped her seat back, and told me to lie on top of her / On top of those leather pants of hers, extremely expensive leather pants / mind you, her hands immediately guiding mine over those soft, slightly oily folds / Positioning my fingers on the shiny metal tab, small and round, like a tear / Then murmuring a murmur so inaudible that even though I could feel her lips tremble against my ear, she seemed far, far away / Pinch it, she said, which I did, lightly, until she also said pull it, which I also did, gently parting the teeth, one at a time, down under and beneath, the longest unzipping of my life...Ok, even I'm bored with this now...
New Look
Obviously, I've changed the ol' template. It's been a year and two days since my last change. I wanted some input on the readability of the posts with this new template background. Is it painful? Too busy? On my computer at work it looks fine, but I wondered about other resolutions, etc.
That's it. Feedback is appreciated.
For some reason, this makes me think of dinosaurs
Mocking Sylvia Browne always makes me happy
These are especially funny if you are, or have ever been, a therapist.
