You want to what yourself?!
So I'm watching TV and there is a young woman with a shirt reading "FUTURE MILF" on my screen. At first I giggle, because who doesn't love a "MILF" reference, but then my higher-order cortex takes control from the vestiges of my reptilian brain and I start to think about the self-referential nature of that shirt.
Take a minute.
If she's the one claiming to be the future MILF, then shouldn't her shirt read "FUTURE M
YLF?" Future mother
you'd like to f***? Or is she seriously saying she wants to f*** herself? To wear a shirt that references you, the wearer, as a "future mother I'd like to f***" is saying that you will want to f*** yourself when you become a mother.
Thus, the shirt is stupid and should stop being made. Now, if I wore a shirt that read "FUTURE MILF" and it had an arrow pointing to the side where my wife would be walking, then it would make more sense. I'm saying that she (the other person) is someone I will want to have relations with when she becomes a mother. Sort of like the "I'm with Stupid" shirts that were the hippest thing going at Myrtle Beach in the mid-90s. Or the even better "I'm with stupid" shirts on which the arrow pointed straight down to the guy's peen. That's pure genius. This "FUTURE MILF" crap is sullying the name of crappy novelty t-shirts everywhere.
That is all.
P. Diddy will kill you...
Jones Soda puts neat photos on its boxes and bottles. They take submissions from customers and seemingly every month select from these photos future labels. I have posted some pictures and you should all go
vote now.Here's the
second picture.Of course, I encourage you to vote with your heart, but I don't see how you could put anything but 10!
Soothes the Savage Beast
Lately it seems I'm just echoing
Epon's blog content, so I may as well steal this one from him too....
A. Top Five Lyrics that Move Your Heart (in no particular order):
Oh Holy Night -- The Vienna Boys Choir
Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine
Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine
Oh night divine
Outfit -- Drive By Truckers
You want to grow up to paint houses like me, a trailer in my yard till you're 23
You want to be old after 42 years, keep dropping the hammer and grinding the gears
Well, I used to go out in a Mustang, a 302 Mach One in green.
Me and your Mama made you in the back and I sold it to buy her a ring.
And I learned not to say much of nothing and I figured you already know
but in case you don’t or maybe forgot, I’ll lay it out real nice and slow
Don’t call what your wearing an outfit. Don’t ever say your car is broke.
Don’t worry about losing your accent, a Southern Man tells better jokes.
Have fun but stay clear of the needle. Call home on your sister’s birthday.
Don’t tell them you’re bigger than Jesus, don’t give it away.
Six months in a St. Florian foundry, they call it Industrial Park.
Then hospital maintenance and Tech School just to memorize Frigidaire parts.
But I got to missing your Mama and I got to missing you too.
So I went back to painting for my old man and I guess that’s what I’ll always do
So don’t try to change who you are boy, and don’t try to be who you ain’t.
And don’t let me catch you in Kendale with a bucket of wealthy-man’s paint.
Don’t call what your wearing an outfit. Don’t ever say your car is broke.
Don’t sing with a fake British accent. Don’t act like your family’s a joke.
Have fun, but stay clear of the needle, call home on your sister’s birthday.
Don’t tell them you’re bigger than Jesus, Don’t give it away.
Don’t give it away.
With a Wink and a Smile -- Harry Connick, Jr.
Now my heart is music
Such a simple song
Sing it again, the notes never end
This is where I belong
Just the sound in your voice
The light in your eyes
We're so far away from yesterday
Together with a wink and a smile
We go together like a wink and a smile
Minerva -- Deftones
I get all...numb
When she sings it's over
Such a strange numb
And it brings my knees to the earth
And God bless you all
For the song you saved us...
You're the same...numb
When you sing it's over
Such a strange numb
It could bring back peace to the earth
So God bless you all
For the song you saved us...oh...
For the hearts you break, everytime you moan...
I get all...numb
We're the same numb
And it brings our knees to the earth
So God bless you all
For the song you saved us..oh...
For the hearts you break, everytime you moan
And God bless you all on the earth...
Closer -- Nine Inch Nails
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to God
through every forest, above the trees
within my stomach, scraped off my knees
I drink the honey inside your hive
you are the reason I stay alive
B. Top 5 Instrumentals:
Vivaldi - Four Seasons
Allman Brothers Band -- Jessica
Stevie Ray Vaughn and Double Trouble -- Travis Walk
Sharp Little Guy -- Mark Mothersbaugh
Tocatta and Fugue in D minor -- Bach
C. Top 5 Live Musical Experiences:
Augusta, GA: 1995 - Babyland. Three guys (one vocalist/computer programmer, one percussionist, and one "fire safety expert" wearing a boyscout uniform), a computer, an oil drum and re-bar percussion set, a football helmet microphone aparatus. Weird, angry industrial. At one point, a fire was set in an oil drum, which was promptly kicked into the pit full of moshers, setting the carpet on fire.
A tie: Athens, GA: 2003 - The Gourds. These guys put on a great live show at the 40 Watt. AND Atlanta, GA: Ben Folds Five. Great live band. Seeing Ben pretty much abuse his piano won't be forgotten.
Athens, GA: ‘97 or '98 - Guster. At the GA Theater, opened for Jump Little Children, great show and we talked to Brian, the Thundergod, for a long time at the merch table.
Atlanta, GA: Winter 1998ish(?) - Harry Connick, Jr. Front row seats, first time seeing him in concert with the woman who would become my wife. She was a hottie then and she's a hottie now.
Augusta, GA: Fifth Grade ('89) - Milli Vanilli. Oh yes, my first concert was Milli Vanilli. Went with Shaun McCollum and his older sister. I think this first concert experience trumps anyone else's. Young MC opened so it wasn't a total waste.
Honorable Mention for the sheer horrificity: MC Hammer ('90), Spice Girls ('98), Backstreet Boys ('98)
D. Top Five Artists You Think More People Should Listen To:
The Shins
The Gourds
Guster
The Postal Service / Death Cab for Cutie
Deftones
E. Top Five Albums You Must Hear From Start to Finish:
Pearl Jam -- Ten
The Who -- Tommy
TIE: Gorilla Biscuits -- Gorilla Biscuits OR Operation Ivy -- Operation Ivy
Rushmore Soundtrack -- Various Artists
Minor Threat -- Complete Discography
F. Top Five Musical Heroes:
Freddie Mercury -- Best frontman ever of the greatest rock band ever.
Jay Sills -- the friend who introduced me to punk/hardcore.
Brian Rosenworcel -- the Thundergod and one of the worst singers ever.
Harry Connick, Jr. -- the man plays a mean piano and has incredible power over women.
Chino Moreno -- the only screamer/singer worth listening to.
We'll make great pets...
Stolen from
Eponymous who stole it from someone else.
*************
A Letter To My Pets
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else — not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me — then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
“Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:”
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids: they eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, and don’t need a gazillion dollars for college — and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
*************
Is that a Xenu in your pocket, or....
Tom Cruise is a stooge. Spiegel Magazine can now expect a lawsuit in the near future, I'm sure.
SPIEGEL: We visited one of your locations near Los Angeles and were amazed to find a fully staffed tent of the Scientology organization right next to the food tents for the journalists and extras.
Cruise: What were you amazed about?
SPIEGEL: Why do you go so extremely public about your personal convictions?
Cruise: I believe in freedom of speech. I felt honored to have volunteer Scientology ministers on the set. They were helping the crew. When I'm working on a movie, I do anything I can to help the people I'm spending time with. I believe in communication.
SPIEGEL: The tent of a sect at someone's working place still seems somewhat strange to us. Mr. Spielberg, did that tent strike you as unusual?
Spielberg: I saw it as an information tent. No one was compelled to frequent it, but it was available for anybody who had an open mind and was curious about someone else's belief system.
Cruise:The volunteer Scientology ministers were there to help the sick and injured. People on the set appreciated that. I have absolutely nothing against talking about my beliefs. But I do so much more. We live in a world where people are on drugs forever. Where even children get drugged. Where crimes against humanity are so extreme that most people turn away in horror and dismay. Those are the things that I care about. I don't care what someone believes. I don't care what nationality they are. But if someone wants to get off drugs, I can help them. If someone wants to learn how to read, I can help them. If someone doesn't want to be a criminal anymore, I can give them tools that can better their life. You have no idea how many people want to know what Scientology is.
SPIEGEL: Do you see it as your job to recruit new followers for Scientology?
Cruise: I'm a helper. For instance, I myself have helped hundreds of people get off drugs. In Scientology, we have the only successful drug rehabilitation program in the world. It's called Narconon.
SPIEGEL: That's not correct. Yours is never mentioned among the recognized detox programs. Independent experts warn against it because it is rooted in pseudo science.
Cruise: You don't understand what I am saying. It's a statistically proven fact that there is only one successful drug rehabilitation program in the world. Period.
SPIEGEL: With all due respect, we doubt that. Mr. Cruise, you made studio executives, for example from Paramount, tour Scientology's "Celebrity Center" in Hollywood. Are you trying to extend Scientology's influence in Hollywood?
Cruise: I just want to help people. I want everyone to do well.Argh.
