Learning to be Ignorant
I’ve been pondering some things a lot lately.
It seems that I am at a comfortable place in my thoughts on predestination, limited atonement, and free will. I struggled for a long time with the primary and the recent on that list (the middle wasn’t that much of a struggle, it just made sense). I wanted to know
how free will and predestination worked together. I wanted to know in easy and logical terms, terms of this world, how they could exist in tandem and yet seem so contrary. The answer I kept getting is, “It’s a mystery.” I don’t like mysteries. I am a seeker of knowledge and I don’t like being told that something is outside of my grasp of knowledge. I don’t like being told that I can’t know something.
I now wrap myself in that mystery like a blanket. I pressed my fingers into my ears so that I could listen. I closed my eyes so that I could see. I know it sounds stupid. It’s hard to let go of something and listen to God. It’s hard to accept the knowledge He wants us to learn and to forget about or to continue searching for the knowledge He hasn’t yet revealed to us. I won’t stop trying to understand the nature of the dynamics between free will and predestination. I accept that the way God has set it up works. How could it not? I won’t stop trying to understand, but I will stop trying to force it. If I knew how everything worked, nothing would be as beautiful. Nothing would be as marvelous. Nothing would be as awe-inspiring. I know how a lot of magic tricks work…card tricks, coin tricks…and know when I see someone do one of those tricks I marvel at how well executed it was, how flawless, but I cannot regain that innocent sense of astonishment I once had as a child watching the trick for the first time. It feels like you’re falling when you let go of something like this, which is scary at first…but it feels better once God catches you and you realize that He will keep catching you for the rest of time.
There are some cases where the more that is revealed to me the more appreciation I have. I learn about Christ and each new revelation makes Him clearer and more tremendous, more tear jerking and more joy inducing. I learn about my wife and everyday is better than the last. I learn that no matter how much I think I love Christ and my wife, I am capable of so much more love for them both. I am surprised that I could love anything so much. I learn about my friends and grow closer to them and understand how lucky I am to have them. So, here’s to mystery and to knowledge, each having its own special place in my life.
Violation
As I walked to my truck after school yesterday I received a call on my cell phone. I looked down and saw that it was my wife...surely just checking to see if I was on my way yet or not. I answer and hear her say, "Did you come home for lunch?"
I answer back, "No..." and before I can say anything else...before I can ask a question...she says, "The window was open and the blinds are messed up..."
I didn't comprehend what she was saying at first. I had no context, no clues, no nothing...I stayed on the phone with her for my entire ride home making sure she left the door open so she could get out of the house if she needed to. She told me about how Napoleon acted weird while she was bringing in the groceries. How his ears laid flat againt his head and he tenatively approached the bedroom door which he sniffed furiously. She opened the door for him and he ran to the bed, sniffing even more furiously and suddenly looking into the bathroom. At this point, she hadn't yet noticed the window so she slowly looked into the bathroom, it was empty. The closet empty, too. As she turned around she saw the window and immediately called me. She also told me that the screen on the back window had been ripped from its normal place, bent askew and left on the ground.
The other doors in the apartment were closed, we close them before we leave every morning. I arrived home after speeding the entire way...going as fast as I could in order to stop whatever might happen next from happening. Luckily, I had no need to travel so quickly because when I investigated the rest of the apartment upon getting home, the other bathroom, the guest bedroom, the laundry room, no one was present and nothing had been disturbed. We called the police and one arrived in a hurry.
We think that whoever was in our bedroom stayed in there. No other room had been disturbed. I think it was Napoleon the attack pug that kept him in there. He is small but he barks ferociously when he doesn't know someone or he hears something amiss. Someone on the other side of a door probably wouldn't want to take the chance at opening it...
The officer dusted for finger prints but I would wager that all he found were my own. I wasn't mad, I wasn't scared, I wasn't anything...I was numb. It wasn't until later that night, in the blackness of almost-slumber that it registered in any real way. Someone had been in my house. Someone had gone through my things but not taken anything of material wealth, he or she hadn't taken anything at all...except my peace of mind. My wife and I were violated last night.
Mindfulness
God, let me die before I lose my mind. Let me die before I can no longer rely on my brain to function in any capacity other than a maintenance mechanism...a life support system allowing me to walk around and breathe but not to recognize, not to understand, not to create or dream, not to remember you. Here I sit at 24 years old and worry about losing my memories and abilities to think. My paternal grandmother has alzheimer's.
I visited her on Sunday and her blank stare echoes now deep inside me. She knew names but not faces. I don't even know if the names came out of any kind of understanding for who they represent or if they were just verbal utterances said out of years of habit. Phrases that have no context and no coherence. Phrases that are meaningless. That's all that remains. The worst part is I don't know if somewhere inside she knows and can recognize and can think but can't express these things, trapped inside her own head. I think that would be worse...knowing but no one being able to see that you do. I hope she just lives in ignorance to what has happened. I think ignorance, in this case, truly is bliss. It's the moments of clarity that scare me.
She used to paint. Now her days are filled with an eternity of newness. She doesn't remember from one minute to the next it seems. I guess that's probably a blessing.
